Speaking Out About Slash
by DoctorWhovian18
Summary: What happens when the subjects of slash pairings in fandoms find out about it all? This story will answer that question. Featuring characters from Harry Potter, Kingdom Hearts, Doctor Who, Sherlock and Supernatural, with a brief cameo from our favourite Shadowhunters from the Mortal Instruments. Rated T just to be safe.


**Now, this is not meant to offend anyone. It's mostly parody and humour, although I am making a bit of a personal point because I do not like slash at all. Again, please don't flame me for this as I am presenting my opinion and how I believe the characters would react upon hearing about the pairings. So just sit back, enjoy and read on :)**

 _A spotlight turns on in the middle of a stage, revealing me, DoctorWhovian18 (hereby known as DW18) sitting on a red armchair, hands together to make a steeple._

"Ladies and Gentlemen. Today, you are all here to witness while I present to you a matter of utmost annoyance to myself. A matter which I have wanted to speak out about for a long time. The trigger for me doing this now will be revealed at the end of this session. It is the matter, ladies and gentlemen, of slash in fanfiction."

 _A collective murmur of 'ooh's and protests and noises of agreement echo around the stage from the invisible audience._

"Slash exists in every fandom." I continue. "But a majority of the time, it is not canon. Personally, I do not have a huge problem with writing things non-canon, although myself I prefer to read and write as close to canon as possible, barring a little AU-ness here and there, but when it comes to slash relationships, I have zero tolerance. So, in order to explore this, I have brought on the characters who form the most common slash pairings in my favourite fandoms to tell you all their opinions on the subject. There may be more than one couple per fandom, but I have tried to stick to one."

 _A scattering of applause. The spotlight turns off._

"To start off, all the way from the Wizarding World, will everyone please welcome Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy and Lord Voldemort…what? Oh, sorry, and Tom Riddle Jr."

 _The spotlight turns on again. This time there are four chairs which the three Harry Potter characters and I are seated in._

"First off, I shall explain the pairings. We have Draco/Harry, commonly known as Drarry, and Riddle/Harry…I'm not sure if there is a name for that." I close my eyes briefly as though coming to term with what I've just said. "Slash aside, neither of these pairings make any sense to me. Why does everybody like pairing the villain with the hero, first of all, which is the case with both of these? Draco and Harry, for one thing, are school enemies and worse throughout the entire series…what could possible serve as ANY evidence that they felt anything towards each other besides disdain, hate and eventually, tolerance? And I'm not even going to say anything about Riddle/Harry."

Tom Riddle is in shock, staring at me. He looks the way he does in the Chamber of Secrets. Finally, he is able to speak. "These…these filthy Muggle writers put me and Potter together…in a relationship?"

I am glad I had his wand taken away from him, as he looks ready to kill anyone who has written such things.

Harry has a disgusted look on his face. "What? Just…what? That is absolutely ridiculous! Both of them! For one thing, I am with Ginny…a GIRL. I am not gay, and neither is Riddle…although Draco I'm a bit dubious about."

"I'm married to a girl, you fool!" Draco snaps at Harry, who ignores him.

"Well, there you have it. They can barely form sentences after finding this out. Next time you go to write a slash story, think about how the characters will feel."

 _The spotlight goes off._

"Now, flown here by Gummi Ship from the Mysterious Tower, please welcome Axel, Roxas, Sora and Riku!"

 _The spotlight turns on again and we all sit in five red armchairs. There is more applause._

"Kingdom Hearts also has two extremely popular slash pairings. Those are, Axel/Roxas, commonly known as AkuRoku due to their Japanese names, and Sora/Riku, or SoRiku. Now, as much as I detest it myself, I am aware that slash is much more accepted in Japan and so the existence of Kingdom Hearts slash does not surprise me. What DOES surprise me is the characters the pairings involve. I know you are all going to argue about Axel and Roxas, but I think we are all forgetting that Roxas showed just the same attention, dedication, and affection if not more so to Xion which, if that is taken into light, makes his relationship with Axel seem much more like a best friend or brotherly one, correct? And SoRiku…"

Sora cuts me off. "I know the evidence they use for that." He doesn't look happy about it. "How hard I searched for Riku and my reaction upon finding him again in the World that Never Was. Well, all of you take your best friend who is the same gender as you, take them away to some unknown place where it is likely that they have lost their heart and gone over to the dark side. Then, over a year later, you find him again, mostly whole and definitely still with the good guys. HOW WOULD YOU REACT?"

"Calm down, Sora." Roxas cautions, although he looks about ready to summon his Keyblade and go on a rampage.

"Oh, I forgot SoRoku, Sora/Roxas." I remember. At said boys shocked glares, I mutter, "Nevermind. Let's not go there."

Riku is chewing his lip angrily, fists clenched. "This entire situation is absurd. For one thing, it's quite clear that Sora loves Kairi." Sora blushes at that. "For another, isn't it clear enough to you writers that none of us sitting here are gay?"

"I notice Axel isn't saying anything, as he is quite the culprit that people point to for AkuRoku. The whole 'He made me feel like I had a heart' thing. But I ask you: does any comment similar to that have to be perceived as meaning something romantic? A heart feels love, yes, but there are different types of love. I believe it is quite clear that the love Axel feels towards Roxas is brotherly and friendship-wise only."

"I'm not talking because I'm trying to spot a slash writer in the audience to throw my Chakram at." Axel says shortly.

"And…let's end if there before someone gets hurt."

 _Spotlight off._

"Next we have everyone's favourite hobbits, Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee!"

 _Spotlight on, three chairs. A round of applause._

"Frodo/Sam is so popular, it does my head in. SAM IS MARRIED TO ROSIE, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!" I wait until my heavy breathing has stopped. "Any two friends, for Sam and Frodo did become fast friends by the Return of the King, would become closer when going through peril, especially to the extent that these two did. They are the perfect definition of best friends, as both will lay their lives down for the other and not expect it in return. Besides that, Sam also feels like he must look after Frodo, being his 'servant', as it is described in the Lord of the Rings, while I believe Frodo feels the same for the same reason. I think you understand what I mean."

Frodo is unable to speak and, much like Harry earlier, has a disgusted look on his face.

"Did I understand that all correctly, Miss DW18?" Sam asks hesitantly. At my nod, he shakes his head. "Well that is the biggest load of rubbish this hobbit has ever heard. Not only is it ridiculous, but it is also disrespectful and wrong in a lot of ways. I don't really know what to say to that."

Frodo finally finds his voice. "I'm going to have to quote the modern internet for this. 'That is the wrongest wrong that ever wronged.'"

"No it isn't, Frodo, believe it or not. But we will leave the best for last."

 _Spotlight off._

"Next up, direct from the TARDIS itself, is the Doctor and the Master!"

 _Spotlight on. Two of the chairs are empty. A wheezing, groaning sound is hear, fluctuating in volume until a blue police box appears in the corner of the stage. The 10_ _th_ _Doctor and the John Simm Master step out and come and take their seats. Quite a lot of applause._

"Well, I'm sure you can guess what this pairing is, and it is another case of pairing the villain with the hero. I'm sure the fanfiction world is absolutely going mental now that the Master is a woman and the pairing is actually not slash anymore, but at the moment we are dealing with the male/male version of the pairing. The Doctor/the Master."

The Doctor is shaking his head and laughing. "Goodness me, you do all have strange minds, don't you? I mean, I've met many humans with interesting imaginations, but this takes the lot. You pair me with him?" he points at the Master and chuckles again. "I'm not even angry. I just find it hilarious. As any fan knows, I do not discriminate between species, gender, sexual orientation or otherwise, but this takes the top, I'm sorry."

The Master is grinning quite creepily, staring around at the audience. "I think I know why you all write this. It's a form of torture, isn't it? It's another way to break the Doctor. You're all on my side!"

"Er…I don't think that's the case, Master."

He glares at me, before shaking his head in exasperation once he realises that they're not writing it because they're on his side.

 _Spotlight off._

"Second to last, from Baker Street itself, welcome Sherlock Holmes and Doctor John Watson!"

 _Spotlight on the three chairs, all of which are filled. Applause._

"Well, Johnlock, as people call it, is probably one of the most popular slash pairings in all of fanfiction. Roughly 75%, or more, of Sherlock-based stories focus on this pairing. Which both disgusts me and annoys me because, for someone like myself who does not wish to read such things, it is very hard to find any Sherlock story worth reading. Gentlemen, please share your thoughts on this."  
Sherlock stares around at the audience in his usual analytical way. "The authors of these stories are people with little or no social lives who watch the program without really seeing. They think they see, but they don't, because they are clearly not hearing me every time I make a point of the fact that I do not feel sentiment. Mrs Hudson made the very same mistake the day that John moved in. These writers take every look I give John, every time I thank him to make him feel good, every time I grudgingly admit that he is the closest thing I will ever have to a friend, and seen these moments through the veil of homosexuality. They are also forgetting the fact that John is married, granted, to a confirmed psychopath assassin, but married nonetheless. Overall this shows an intelligence level lower than that of Anderson, which is saying quite a lot, shall I continue?"

"Sherlock, I'm not happy about it either, but that doesn't mean we should offend people." John sighs.

"We shouldn't?" Sherlock asks, looking genuinely surprised. "Oh."

John rolls his eyes. "Look, I would really appreciate it if you all lightened up with this Johnlock rubbish. It does nothing for our reputations and is only going to continue to annoy us both."

"Thank you very much for that." I give them both a nod, which John returns and Sherlock doesn't.

 _Spotlight off._

"And now, for the pairing that inspired me to write this as I have only recently discovered the fandom and so recently delved into its fanfiction. Will everyone please welcome our favourite demon hunters, Sam and Dean Winchester!"

 _Spotlight on with the three chairs again, applause._

As I open my mouth to explain, Dean says, "Hang on…I know what this show is about. So why are we here?"

I give him a look. His eyes widen.

"No…you don't mean…?"

I nod, and quickly start speaking before he can react. "Yes, that's right everyone, I am talking about Wincest." I pause to let that sink in a bit, holding up a hand to tell Dean and Sam to wait before they speak. "Now, alright, homosexuality is now widely accepted, fine. Not saying I'm a fan, but fine. I get that's why slash has become so popular. But _incest_? Incest is illegal, immoral and NOT accepted in society. So what goes through the writers' strange little heads to pair together, romantically, two brothers? I mean, there's a lot of brotherly love between the two in the show, but that's all it is, _brotherly_ love. When I first saw, in a story summary a couple of days ago, the term 'Wincest', I was disgusted. Not only is it slash, it's incest. What is this world coming to? I'm sorry…I can't…even…" I trail off, lost for words.

"What the hell?" Sam demands, looking in confusion from the audience, to me, to Dean. "This is what people have written about? Surely those authors must be demons, to be writing things that are so…"

"Wrong?" Dean offers angrily, giving everyone except his brother and me death glares. "Well, there's only one way to find out." He pulls out the Colt and goes to aim it into the audience. I quickly jump off my chair and grab it, pointing it away from humans, before turning to glare at Clary Fray and Jace Herondale, who are in charge of letting people onto the stage.

"I told you to disarm everyone before they come on!" I yell at them angrily. Meanwhile, the crowd is slowly heading towards the exits. "Wait! Everyone please calm down, no-one is getting killed here."

"Oh yes they are. Sam! Go find a speaker and start speaking the rites."

"What? No! There are no demons here, I promise!" I cry, releasing the Colt now that they're trying a less violent method.

Dean turns to me. "So you just want to let these writers go free?"

"I don't want anyone to kill them!"

We face off for a moment, before he turns and leaves the stage, muttering profanities to himself as he goes. Sam throws one more disgusted look at the audience, before following him.

 _Spotlight off, my voice is the only thing in the following darkness._

"Well, you have all seen the effect these pairings have on the characters involved. Maybe next time you go to write a slash story, you will think twice about how the characters feel, whether it's canon, and whether it's right at all. Thank you all for attending. Goodnight."

 **And that's that. I hope you all appreciated it, both for the humour and the point I'm making. Reviews are welcome but no flames!**


End file.
